


There's No Such Thing as a Normal Relationship

by TH (TornThorn)



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Accidental Marriage, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 11:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21053822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TornThorn/pseuds/TH
Summary: Bones always seems to figure things out long after Jim.





	1. Love…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on FFN 10/31/10

"_Boooooones!_"

"Dammit, Jim! I'm a _doctor_, not a breakfast cereal!"

He'd finally figured it out. Since that day he met James Tiberius Kirk on the shuttle ("I may throw up on you." … "You know Star Fleet operates in _space_."), six years had come and gone. Three years in the Academy, putting up with the crazy kid who was constantly there - distracting and annoying. For two of those years, he had resisted the friendship and protested the nickname "Bones". (Jim always blamed Len, quoting a few more lines from their first meeting.)

"But, Bones-!"

"No, Jim! Don't act like such a _child_."

Eventually, the comradeship became a balancing factor in Len's life. It was surprising how in tune his friend was to the doctor's feelings, and Jim could always seem to tell when Len was having a bad day. In fact, he was prepared to swear that the idiot _purposely_ got into buckets of trouble on the same days he would get a call from Joyce, canceling Joanna's latest visit. Jim appeared all too aware of the fact that the best way to help Len deal was to keep him busy. (Which really did explain the whole incident with the replicator and the banana cream pie in the Academy cafeteria.)

"Come on, Bones!"

"Not even if Spock put on a strip show in the mess."

"Kinky, Bones."

"Kid, _shut. Up._"

Then there was the whole Narada incident. Throughout the entire affair, Len could never seem to decide if he was glad he'd helped Jim sneak on (the kid had looked so damn _pathetic_), or ashamed. Yes, he would probably be dead, along with the entire crew of the Enterprise, and every inhabitant of Vulcan and Earth, if Jimmy hadn't ended up aboard. But having to constantly worry that the narcissistic idiot would get himself killed, or everyone blown up, left the doctor with ulcers.

"Bones, listen, it's not even-"

"Jim, I said _no_, dammit!"

And when, despite everything he had put them through, that trouble making ass was appointed captain-!

"Why are you always such a grouch, Bonesy?"

"I still have a hypo with the Strydian viral plague, kid."

Another three years of serving as Chief Medical Officer on board the Enterprise, spending days, weeks and months at a time dealing with the ulcers and anxiety that cropped up every time Jim got himself into something. It seemed like the captain was constantly being poisoned or shot or stabbed or tortured or just beaten to a pulp. And it was always, _always_ Bones who ended up treating the idiot, working endlessly to get him back to perfect health. Only to have Jim delivered right back to MedBay, sporting new bruises or sicknesses, within 48 hours (at the most!) of being released.

"Well, what if you just…?"

"Enough, Jim!"

Three years of worry and fear and hope and anger. Three years of every species in the galaxies trying to kill Jim, or marry him. And that was something else entirely. Because when the inhabitants of a planet weren't actively trying to murder the kid, they were angling to get him hitched to the local princess, or head priestess, or high chancellor. And Jimmy had the _gall_ to always refuse, on the grounds that he was in "a serious -and _legal_\- relationship with this Bones guy". Couldn't he use Gaila for his jackass stunts?

"Bones, it's not like it's even-"

"If you say it's not a big deal, kid, so help me-!"

It had reached the point where it wasn't just Scotty and Gaila and Sulu joking about Len and the captain being such a cute couple. He'd heard Uhura and Chekov (Chekov! The little Russian kid, who was terrified of Len's _shadow_, Chekov!) laughing about it. And, as if that weren't enough, the last time he and Jim had gotten into an argument on the Bridge, Spock had used the phrase "like an old, married couple". (Pointy-eared, green-blooded, hobgoblin _bastard_.)

"Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bones. Bo-"

"Jim, unless it's a goddamn medical emergency, I _will _knock you out, captain or not."

"Hah! You can't! I stole all your sedative hypos."

"You do realize I have enough familiarity of anatomy to managed the Vulcan Neck Pinch?"

"Anatomy, eh? I knew you just wanted me for my body! Which I can understand, since it's so absolutely fantastic, and… I'm kidding, Bones! _Wait! BONES!_"

And it drove Len crazy. All the side-glances from crew members, the snickering in the mess hall, the angry glares from Planetside females, not to mention having to put up with his idiot best friend's endless flirting and innuendo… It was no wonder Len was established as a cranky bastard.

"Can't you just-?"

"Kid, shut the hell up and get out of MedBay!"

Despite all of that, Len was glad Jimmy was his best friend. He'd never known anyone so cocky, outrageous, obnoxious, and utterly, shockingly, courageously selfless.

"Bones?"

"What?"

"_Pleeeeease!_"

"You wanta stay here? Then go get injured and I'll let you back in! That should be easy enough for you. Go pick a fight with Cupcake, or something, idiot."

Six years. Six years of having Jim right there at his side. Through danger and tedium and depression and peace and _life_. Six years before he finally figured it out.

"Bones! Why aren't you listening?"

"Jim, I love you, but I'd swear you just show up here to practice being distracting as hell. And _one of us_ is actually trying to do their job. Now, _please_, kid: Get. Out. Of. My. Damn. MedBay."

"I love you, too, Bones."

It just figured that Scotty would be right about Len and Jim too.


	2. And Marriage

"I can't. I'm already married to Bones. He's the Chief Medical Officer on my ship."

Len had had enough. Yes, he and the idiot were together. And, _yes_, it was the perfect excuse to not be forced into marriage with the Parrelite councilor's daughter. But Jim had been saying that they were married for _four years_.

As soon as the welcoming committee was out of earshot, Bones grabbed the kid's arm and dragged him around .

"Jim, you need to quit _lying_ every single time a local shows some goddamn interest."

"Whaddya mean, Bones?"

"Sooner or later, they're gonna ask for proof that we're _married_. And you'll end up with an alien wife on some impossibly distant planet. Or did you never take a damn minute to think that far ahead?"

The captain looped an arm around the older man's waist. And his smiled was pure, smartass _Jim_. "We _are_ married, Bones."

"Dammit, Jim! Be serious!"

"I _am_ serious! I've even got the certificate to prove it."

Len rolled his eyes. "Fine, kid. Fake marriage papers are only gonna hold up so long, though."

"Bones, they're not fake."

Deciding the kid wouldn't back down and drop the bullshit, Len decided to leave the matter until later.

* * *

In the end, the mission was successfully completed with (for once) a distinct lack of violence or threats.

But it wasn't until the Captain and Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise retired to their quarters that Len brought up the marriage crap again.

"Look, Jim. I'm just worried. There are planets which I've studied where the air itself contains a gaseous form of truth serum. You can't keep relying on a _lie_ to get you out of these sticky situations! Or one day it's going to come back and bite you in the ass. And probably me along with it."

Jim swung the door closed with his foot, pouting and pulling off his yellow captain's sweater. "Bonesy! I told you, it's not a lie. We really are married."

The serious tone of the younger man's voice finally pierced through Len's skepticism, as the doctor leaned against the back of their couch, arms folded. "Wait. _What?_"

Jim rolled his eyes and sauntered past Len, hips swaying, a mischievous glint in those bright blue irises. As he stepped into the bathroom, he called over his shoulder, "We're totally married, Bones. I even had the license framed."

Len still didn't quite believe what Jim was saying. But, as the shower came on, the doctor sat down on the end of the bed, eyes scanning the room.

Then he froze.

Slowly coming to his feet, Len walked gingerly forward, as if he were wounded. When he was standing before the paper, on display in a goldenwood frame that sat upright on Jim's desk, Len's mouth dropped open.

For two minutes, he stood, unmoving. Then, in a flash, he was across the room, slamming open the bathroom door and ripping away the shower curtain.

"JIM, WE'RE MARRIED!"

Amused, the soaking wet man chuckled, "Yup, we are."

Len was speechless, his mind exploding and shutting down all at once.

It wasn't until he realized Jim was tugging at his shirt and trying to pull the older man into the shower that he snapped out of it, slapping the kid's hands away.

Jim watched in puzzled alarm -and a great deal of personal joy- as Len's face went dark with suppressed fury. "When, _exactly_, did we get hitched, Jim?"

A casual shrug of his bare shoulders and a hint of the familiar, triumphant smile that he sported every time he pulled one over on his friend and lover. "You remember our first mission assignment, after the whole Narada thing?"

Several lines appeared between the brunette man's brows. "You mean that planet with all the orange flowers? The one where the shuttle of school kids got kidnapped by political extremists, and there was that huge drinking party after we got them back, that went on for days? And I spent the next goddamn _week_ administering anti-hangover hypos to crew members? _That_ mission assignment?"

"Yeah, that one." Jim smiled smugly, which made Len very suddenly aware of the captain's unclothed, dripping wet state.

Forcing down the blush he could feel rising, Len raised an eyebrow and did his best to look only at Jim's face. The kid was already too full of himself, no need to make it worse.

Reaching over, the blond momentarily switched off the water, grinning blindingly at his favorite grump. "Dunno if you noticed, old man, but you and I were the only ones sharing a cup. That, combine with the wreath thingies they stuck on our heads, the fact that we saved each other's lives by putting our own in danger, and that we drank a whole bottle of their Grimpor Shot liqueur together, was a legally binding marriage ceremony! The local headsman gave me the papers the next morning. Congratulated me and everything. Apparently, they think people with bad tempers are the best to marry, 'cause they'll be the most protective of their stuff. Which, apparently, includes their spouse."

Again, Len was left in shock, desperately trying to process. Then a few, specific facts filtered through, and the wrath came bursting back out.

"WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR _FOUR YEARS_ AND YOU'RE ONLY TELLING ME **_NOW_**_?_"

* * *

When Jim finally convinced Len to let him share the bed again, they had already been assigned a new mission - the last having ended in unparalleled success.

They went back to their normal routine, for the most part. Jim would do captain-y things, and Bones would spend hours in the MedBay, dealing with anything and everything the crew would come in with, and preparing for whatever injuries Jim would be getting from his next fool stunt. They would eat together and talk about the crew and the mission with Spock. And at the end of the day, they would retire back to their rooms for a good night's sleep. (Or whatever else Jim could talk Bones into.)

The marriage was never mentioned. (Except by Scotty, who had apparently caught wind of it. It took three hypos before he figured it would just be easier to keep his mouth shut.)

This mission ended up being one of the ones were someone in command had failed to give the Enterprise all the pertinent details. Such as the fact that the people were not simply disappearing, but were in hiding in a city they had built in the planet's core, in an attempt to avoid the Klingon raiding parties, from a battle ship whose warp engines were disabled and thus the warriors were short on food.

This time, the mission was completed only after they had lost twenty crew members, countless others (including the captain) were injured, and the Klingon ship had been utterly destroyed. By the end of the day, Bones had spent over twenty hours in surgery. Three of those hours were focused on keeping Jim from being crippled for life, damn Klingons. And he was ready to collapse. But Len couldn't leave. Not until he had seen Jim awake and aware, not until he _knew_ that his idiot friend really would be okay.

In the end, Len was never sure if he'd fallen asleep in the chair besides Jim's biobed naturally, or if one of his staff had taken pity and hypoed him out. Either way, when he woke up, head and arms laying on Jim's stomach, several thin fingers brushing softly through his hair, the tender touch driving away the threatening migraine, the only thing he really cared about was the pair of blue, blue eyes meeting his. And that stupid smile, sweet enough to give Len cavities.

It was a week before Jim was healed enough to come back to their rooms. And the first thing they did on arriving was to strip down to their boxers and undershirts, and climb into bed together, Len tucking Jim securely into his arms.

For hours, he lay awake, listening to Jim breathe. Every time he almost lost the fool kid, it was just as gut wrenching and hard as before. But Jim couldn't stop flitting off into the middle of the action to save people, anymore then Len could stop fixing up his captain after each brush with death.

It had taken him years to accept the danger to his friend, even before he had announced his feelings in a fit of annoyance one day and Jim had responded with the kiss to end all kisses. (Which was such an idiot way to describe it, like he was some kind of thirteen-year-old girl!) After that, Len had had to accept the circumstances all over again. Finally, he decided that the moment was all he would live for. And every second he had Jim with him would be a treasure to keep him sane through the fear.

So now, he let an adoring smile -that _no one_ besides Jim and Joanna ever saw- slip onto his face, and held the kid tighter against his chest. Brushing his lips across that unruly hair, he whispered to the sleeping figure, "I love you, kid. And I guess it's probably time to congratulate you for becoming the second, and _final_, Mrs. Leonard McCoy."

He really wasn't all that surprised when Jim rolled over, linking his arms around Len's neck, and did a little over-the-top, fluttering of the eyelashes, grinning flirtatiously. "How about instead of congratulations, you give me a present instead?"

Len laughed, long and loud. "You're incorrigible, kid."

Yanking the older man down on top of him and pressing a slow, achingly gentle kiss to his mouth, Jim pulled back and smiled. "I know. How the hell else did I manage to catch you?"

"True."

And the next morning, when the Captain and Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise were a little late to the Bridge, not even Spock chose to mention the breach in protocol.


End file.
